She's testing her wings

and learning to fly.

“Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.”

Julias Charles Hare

~~~~

I have spent some time with Leonette. Not as much as I would like to, but some time getting to know her. She seemed so lost at first, and so vulnerable. It seemed as if her emotions ran so raw that she just might shatter in a high wind. Now, I knew that wasn't the case. If it were she would already have shattered with the changes her life has brought to her. Those changes just left her feeling bare, and needing to find a way to put her feet back on the ground firmly. She felt a little lost, and anyone could see that. I have watched her in the past hands go from that shattered seeming person to someone that is, well I guess I would have to say she is in a state of 'becoming'. What? Well, we'll find out in time. Its wonderful to watch though!

Her footing seems more sure. Her smiles more real. Its as if she is pulling things together nicely. I have tried to be there even if its only to share company with her while she goes through this. I know what it can feel like to feel a bit lost and alone. Which of us doesn't if we are honest? Which of us has not had at least one time in our lives where we thought 'what now'? I am sure I will have more such times. When we reach a cross roads in our life, those times come to us. Its only natural. Its not having those times that defines the person. It is how they deal with them when they come that does. She is doing beautifully so far. I look forward to see what she will become from this phase of her life.

Finished Them

pants for Fonce.

Now, I wonder how long it will take him to figure out that I told him he needed new pants to get him to stew over the fact that I thought he needed them? I know he played a trick on Sahli and I, and I know he enjoyed every ihn of it. I don't begrudge him that at all, and looking back on it I even find the whole of it funny. Not then, though. Then I was ready to just absolutely loose my mind. I'm sure I would have had it not been for T'zuri there beside me. See, I like Fonce. He really could use some new pants. Every Tuchuk man could use one more pair of pants. They get torn, they get worn out, they get damaged. Life is hard out here, and no one suffers from too many good pairs of britches to keep them warm in the winter time. That wasn't why I said it, though.

I wanted him to ponder and stew. Yes, I want him to know that someone cares enough to make him those pants for no other reason that well - he's Fonce. I also wanted him to stew on it for at least a few ehn simply for the stewing he put me and Sahli through. Was that mean of me? Maybe a little, but it was sure funny. He actually studied his pants just a bit. It was worth it. Oh, I made him the pants. They are made out of sturdy, but supple, leather. There are ways to tan leather so that it is soft and comfortable. It takes a bit longer, and its a bit more work -but its how I prefer to treat the leather that I'll be making into my own clothes. They probably won't be as comfy as his well broke in pants, but they won't feel like brand new leathers usually do either. Just a simple pair of black leather pants for him. That and the vest I finished. Another simple thing made of plain leather. Why? Because while everyone should have one or two things nice - what we really need is things that we'll use. I haven't seen him wear the first vest I made him, but this one is made of the same supple leather as his pants. Its simple, basic, and plain comfortable.

He might have made Sahli and I stew, but I made him check his backside to see if his leathers were torn. I'm guessing we're even now.

We are all

one tribe. Why do some seem to forget that?

I have stayed away from the fires for several reasons. Not the least of which would be I am newly Mated, and I am spending time with my mate. It might be selfish, but I don't think so. Another reason I have been avoiding the fires is that it grows harder and harder to still my tongue. I have my limits as does everyone, and my limits are rapidly being reached. What is doing it? Well, this whole division thing between 'old and young' - 'new and long standing'. Its absolutely, utterly, and completely infuriating.

I was BORN Tuchuk. I have the right to call myself a Tuchuk Woman by right of birth and survival. None of them -gave- me that right. The only thing I earned recently was my place at the First Wagons. Not a blasted one of them would have had the ability to take the fact I was born to the Tuchk and I will die one away from me. They have been making very pointed, snide and oft times rude comments. I smile, I remain my usual quiet self. It gets hard to do that, though. It is best to put distance there until I am more my even tempered self before I say something in anger I might regret. Its not that I fear angering them, either. I fear no woman, and I never will. I worry that I might say something hurtful to people that I actually care about. Even though they have been going out of their way lately to make me feel like a squished worm. I won't speak out of that hurt or anger. That is not my way.

It will be discussed though. In my way, and in my own time.

I'll face the fury of the winds

and stand strong against them, for you.

Sahli has a gift or a curse. It depends on what day you ask him about it what he will tell you. He hears things on the winds. He can sometimes even know what is going to happen by what those voices tell him. Usually this is fine. I have no problem with it. When you love someone you accept them for who and what they are. This is a part of the man I love. What kind of woman would I be if I mocked him or thought less of him for these things? What kind of friend would I be? That's not the point this time, though.

The winds have been loud with him. They have been so loud he is getting headaches, and it has him distracted. I tried to sit with him, and tis like they tried to rip us apart. I have a message for those winds. I don't care what force on this planet tries to rip us apart, they will fail. I will face every thing the winds try to throw at me, and I will do it at his side. I will fight them, and I will win. Why? Because, what I fight for is worth more than anything else. I fight for one I love. Sahli needs to know he's not alone. He needs to know that he is no longer on the outside looking in. I will certainly fight anyone, anything, anywhere to make sure he knows that without a doubt.

Sometimes its good

just to be held. It is a pleasure I had never thought about. I am not talking sex. That is another matter entirely. I am talking about just sitting there with his arm around me and mine around him. I am talking about just being held. He's not the stoutest of Tuchuk. He's more lean than he is muscled. That doesn't mean he is weak. He is strong like a whip or a band of steel. I feel safe with his arms around me. I feel as if he would face the world, and more, just to keep me there at his side. How can a woman not enjoy that feeling? I only hope I make him as happy, as content, as he makes me. I promised Fonce I would take care of Sahli, but its more than that. Its not my promise to Fonce that has me doing my best to be the woman Sahli deserves. It is Sahli himself. He is just an easy man to love. He is such a wonderful, strong, unique, and caring man. He sees the world differently, and sometimes that makes others unsure what to make of him. Frankly, I don't care what others think of him. He's my mate. He's the Ubar of the domain of my heart. He is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. He will be the father of my children one day. I take care of Sahli in the ways a woman can take care of a man not because I promised anyone I would, but because - I love him with all my heart.

Catch A Falling Star

and put it in my pocket,
Never let it fade away.

~~~

We have been selfish with our time. We are newly mated, and we have spent a good deal of time in our own company. There are many reasons for that, but the largest is simply that we want to spend time together. We want to share the first days of our union with only ourselves, and maybe a few close friends. T'zuri came by, and she brought the most delicious food with her. It was good to visit with her, and there was laughter from all three of us. The visit was far too brief. I'll have to go by and visit her soon so she doesn't worry I fell off the world.

We watched the stars fall tonight. It was a shower of them, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He always shows me new things, and he and I share them together. It is part of his wonder to me. The world always seems new to him, and I love that about him. I see things differently, and its almost like I am seeing with new eyes. I do not know if they are as unclouded as the eyes of a child, but they are surely the eyes of love that I share with him. Tonight I felt as if I could catch one of those stars. I could almost hold it forever.

Like a flower in winter

Joy comes unexpectedly.

~~~~

The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don't have to gain, develop, or attain them. We're like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight. We don't need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds, and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we really are -- as soon as we quit pretending we're small or unholy.

~~~

It came to me today. I am happy. I am gloriously, and wonderfully, and amazingly happy! I have so much that I have been blessed with, but beyond all of that I have a Mate that cares for me as much as I do him. It is unimagined that this joy can exist in the world. I am bless with strong friendships. These the sort that can bridge gaps that might seem uncrossable, but it is this love that I have found in my life that has given me this joy. Nothing can take my joy from me. Joy. Who would have thought that it is just something you need to open your eyes to see. It was t here, in so many ways, but only now do I truly see and experience it. It is like Sahli's love, his ways - they have opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness.

Its the foundation

we build everything else on.

“The glue that holds all relationships together - including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.” ~ Brian Tracy

Its such a tiny word. It is simply said, and yet it holds such a depth of meaning. It is something that is easily given the first time, but if broken it is so hard to give a second. It is something that can make or break any relationship be it between friends, siblings, or lovers. Yes, I am talking about trust here. What do we have without it? We have nothing. There can be no true meaning behind the relationships in our lives if we don't have trust, and strangely enough there is none when we don't give it. This came to me last night when I had to trust Sahli to lead me through the darkness only on trust. Oh, I trusted him! I just realized how hard it would have been to get to where we were going without that trust. Without it, we would have never made it to our destination. We would never have taken the first step on the trip.

Trust is such a little word for such a big thing. It is not just a building block, but it is the true foundation of everything. I want to be a Mate he can trust. I want to be a friend that can be trusted. I want to be a woman of good character that is trustworthy. I want to be these things because I want them in return. I want my Mate to trust me, and I want to trust him. We do trust each other, and I'd like to keep it that way. I want to be a friend that is trusted, and I wan to trust my friends. I want to be a woman who someone can say of to another 'she's trustworthy'. Why? Because I want trust worthy women IN my Tribe. I want to be able to trust and be trusted. Its really simple. In theory. I haven't had my trust violated in any significant ways, ever. When a friend has said they will do something, they have done it. When a family member has said something, I have been able to rely on it. I just realized how much I take this for granted. Its not something I thought of until in the middle of the darkness with only a hand I could not see to guide me.

The Weaver

is as comforting as the blankets she makes. She is just as warm. She is just as pleasant to be around as a blanket on a warm night. She has a calming quality about her that just sings from her soul. She and I had not known each other well. We are both quiet sorts. We had passed at the fires, but that was about it. It took tragedy to bring us closer together. It has taken joy to bring our laughter into harmony. The woman is just pleasant to be around, though. I am very glad that we have taken the time to get to know each other. If there is one thing you cannot have enough of in this life, it is real friends.

Friends

are life's best treasure.

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


I do not think that I can truly say how special my friends are to me. They bring laughter, they share sorrow, they ease pain, and they share joys. They are truly a blessing from the Skies above. Friends just make life better. I think that is something everyone can agree on - that they are grateful for the friends that they have. The outpouring of gifts to both Sahli and I after his claiming of me has been remarkable and unexpected. It shouldn't have been unexpected. Those that have given the gifts are all wonderful people. It just never crossed my mind that they would give such things. Their congratulations would have been enough. That and the sincere hopes for future happiness they sent along. I am glad for the gifts! I am just wondering why it never crossed my mind they would send them. I think it is because my mind has been all fuzzed lately. I think that is excusable.

The one thing I am sure of when I look around the Harigga is that friends are a treasure. They are a treasure that I plan to make sure knows that I treasure them. I don't mean with some huge gesture, either. I plan to listen to them when they need to talk. I plan to help them smile when they feel blue. I plan to help them laugh through their tears. I plan to just be the best friend that I can be in return. That is the way to let them know how deeply they have touched my life. That is the way to let them know they are a treasure beyond compare. That is the best way, at least. Speaking of friends, I need to get by to see T'z..boots. Yes, I need to swing by to see her again. It was good to see her at the fires for a brief time. It is so good to see Fonce happy. He above all deserves it. Maybe I'm just sappy lately, and I want to see everyone happy. That is highly likely.

Change

one can either move with life's chances, or they can drown and be swallowed by them. Change is one of the most frightening things I can think of. It leads to the unknown. You never know where it is going to take you. Change can be good or bad. The only real thing that is always the same about change is that it happens even when you don't want it to. People change, relationships change, the lands change, everything is always changing. Things come together, and things blow apart. The heart of all of this is change. One can either go with the tide of change, and ride it to the new destination, or they can try to fight it. Its almost always another constant about change - those that fight it tend to be flooded over by it anyway. It is just much less pleasant, and far more painful, for their efforts to resist it.

Change is, in itself, neutral. We are the ones that make it good or bad, easy or hard, enjoyable or painful. The changes, itself, are happening simply as a facet of life. The struggles that we as people have with them are with make it so frightening. There have been many changes in my life recently. I cannot remember a time in my life that so much has changed so quickly. I have come to the First Wagons, I have made and lost friends, I have respected and lost respect for people, I have been claimed as the woman of a wonderful man. I have celebrated life, and I have celebrated lives lived by those that are now gone. I have shed tears and laughter. I have changed! I have grown. I am not the same Jaella I was when I first came, and I won't be the same Jaella I am today as time ticks away. Change will come. With it, I will change as well. I will grow. I might not be able to control the forces of change around me, but I can control how I respond to them. I have that power. It is a very strong power, and one that people tend to forget. Yes, things happen we have no control over. That doesn't mean we still do not retain control of our selves. When we blame our actions on others, or on events surrounding us, that is really taking away our own responsibility. It is selling ourselves short. Things change, things happen, but we still decide how we will cope with them. That is our choice. It belongs to no other. Instead of trying to lay the blame or the credit at the feet of another, we should keep it for our own. Our choices, good and bad, are the very core of what shapes us. Our own choices are the catalyst for the changes within all of us. I don't plan to give the power to change me against my will to anyone. That is a power that is mine. It will stay mine, as it should be.

Rebuilding Old Bridges

can teach so much.

There is a place that Sahli showed me. It is a place special to him. It is where once our people would make camp in the winter before something made the water change its course. Changes like that happen on the Plains, and they are rather common. That's really not the point. There is a ravine in the ground, a split that seems to have been ripped open in the dirt itself that goes very deep down. The bridge over that gap fell. Luckily, thank the Skies, not with us ON it when it happened. It started to, but we both made it to the other side. That's another story all together.

This place is special to him, and now to me, so we decided to rebuild a new bridge to it. Its not a huge bridge. You could not take a wagon over it. You can walk it, and do so safely, but that's about it. It wasn't easy, but we worked together to build it. We talked while we worked, and that brought us closer together. I've thought of relationships between people as bridges before, but I've never thought of it so much that way as I do right now. When one bridge seems to shatter and fall apart, it is still possible to build a new one. It won't be the same bridge. It might not be as grand, or as strong as the old one once was. That doesn't mean its not a good bridge. That doesn't make it a bad thing. It just makes it different.

The night for us was one of discovery on many levels. It is a night I will never forget. There were many bridges built besides the one that can be used to cross that gap. There were several more built between he and I. Pathways back and forth between friends, lovers, and Mates. Each facet of our relationship holds its own bridges. I am glad we took the time to build them strong.

We had our first fight as mates

and I think we're closer now than ever.

It was not a major fight, but it was the first one we had. It was something that had Sahli tell me if I ever did again he would put me over his knee. It was the first time I saw that side of him. I can't say I was surprised I saw it. I knew when I made the choice to not listen to him that would likely be the outcome. It is impossible to never see things differently. It is impossible to live lives without such things. I do think it brought us closer together once we worked it out. Why? Because, we got through it. We got around, over, and through the little bump in the road. No path is always smooth. It is those bumps that really tell the tale. I've seen so many tear apart at the bumps in life. We didn't. Its a good start.

Desperation

is sad, not attractive.

I watch people. That much is a fact, and I have always watched them. I also know that we all want someone in our lives. We all want that connection. We all want to not be alone. That is normal, and it is human nature. I think, though, that some handle that want in a way that is only self destructive to them. It is fine to want something. We all do! It is not so fine to want it with such a deep desire for it that it no longer matters 'who' it is with, so long as it is had. It seems that the more that is reached for, the more someone tries to grasp on to it to cling to it, the more it will elude them. I don't understand it. I am far from an expert. I know that special bond came into my life when I was not looking for it, and I did not feel ready for it. It was the last thing on my mind.

I have watched some that are looking for it. They are looking for it with such an obviousness to them that it might as well be written upon their brows. They have flitted and bounced from one possibility to the next, sometimes barely leaving the span of a day between those they try to find it with. It makes me sigh, and I know that talking to them would do no good. It would only embarrass them, and because of that it would make them angry. I have to wonder if I should risk it though? I don't think they understand that they wear this desperation like a cloak for all to see. That very desperation is driving away the one thing that they want. They have reached for it with so many that no one they reach for knows if its really from her heart, or if it is from their desire to not be alone. Would any man do? How does one feel special when they know they are just the latest in a line of such things? I don't know. I do know that it is far from 'attractive'. Its sad. Very, very sad.

He needs

new pants. Yes, our Ubar needs new pants.

Well, not really needs. Pants should be comfortable and well worn. I would say his are! I just realized that he could use a new pair of them. Nothing fancy, something he can ride in without being worried to mess them up. Something sturdy, and durable so that he can do all those things that must be done in a day. Something comfortable, too, of course. I'll make the new pants, and I've finished that second vest. I'll drop everything off together. I could tell he liked the first vest, but he seemed not to want to wear it. That's fine. You learn people by watching them, and I learned a bit about him. I've also made Sahli some new leathers and a new vest. He needed some as well. Tuchuk men, they are hard on their clothes!

Waking up

to a whole new world.

“May today mark the beginning of many new joys and accomplishments... and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already
achieved.”

Today I woke in the arms of my Mate. That was a strange thing. I have never slept with anyone before, and surely never a man. It was strange, but it was wonderful at the same time. Today begins our new lives as Mates. Each step will be made together instead of alone. Is it just me, or does the whole world seem just a bit brighter?

He Made His Choice

the Bride Price asked, and paid. I am now HIS woman.

"Love not looked for is love that shall be found."

~~~

I never expected it, and I never thought I wanted it. I had much more in my mind than adding complications to my life at this stage of it. Love was not something I was even considering in my life right now. The men seemed content to speak to me, but they set their eyes on other women. I was not at all offended by this. I was not hurt by it, and I was not jealous of it. I was happy for those that love found. I still am, though now I am happier for them as I know what it feels like. I held no ill will to anyone. I simply wanted my feet firmly under me as my life goes through so many changes. It still struck me with the force of a rock falling to the earth from the Skies. It exploded like a falling star. It happened, and it happened with the sudden shock of a larl attack. It wasn't there one day, but then it was. Maybe it was there, and I just didn't know it.

Sahli, too, seemed content with how his life was going. He has drawn more than one eye to him. He has never lied to me about those things. I am sure his view of things would be different than those he spoke of, but that is to be expected. He is a man, and men and women see things differently. It doesn't make either side untruthful, it just shows how vastly different men are from women. He and I grew close. We spent time together. It started as no more than friendship. It started as flying kites, making kites, talking about our Clans, talking about the changes within our lives since coming to the First Wagons. It grew from such a simple beginning into more than either of us ever imagined it could

He spoke to Fonce about the Bride Price to claim me. I don't know what was said between them. It was a talk between men, and that is not the business of a woman even when the talk is about her. T'zuri, Sleen, and Blue were there at Fonces wagon. T'zuri did her best to keep me from keeling over right there while I waited for my future to be decided. I don't know what they said, but I know that at one point Sahli had his knife drawn. It didn't look like he was threatening Fonce, which is good. I don't know what was going on. I know that Sahli ran off, but when he returned he was filled with joy. There was mention of a White Bosk having been born, and then next thing I know he is grabbing me, spinning me, and telling me that Fonce agreed to allow him to claim me. That quick, that simple, my life has changed. I love Fonce. I have brothers, but he's like the brother that never did pull my braids, hide my dolls, or do mean things to me. He's the GOOD brother. He was happy for us. I could tell. Our new lives begin today.

Keep Reaching

I won't let you down. I know so many have let you down in your life, but I am not one of them. I will never laugh 'at' you, but I promise I will laugh 'with' you or 'because' you gave the joy that requires such a voice. I promise to never scorn you, or to mock you because you are not exactly the same as everyone else. I promise to accept you, even those things I do not fully understand because they are a part of you. I promise to be there, and to always be your friend and confidant when others have turned their back. I promise to love you. Love is not a fair weather emotion. It does not only exist when there are smiles. It will see us through the hunger, the tears, the pains of life. If you reach for me, I promise you will always find me. I won't let you down.

Sorrow and Loss

can hurt so much.

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love. --John Brantner

~~~

I can't fix it. I can't take the hurt away. There is not a word or thing I can do that will help ease the sorrow that Sahli is feeling right now. Things were bad between his brother and him, they had been bad for a while. He still wished me to be introduced to Beu, and I agreed that I would like to. This is the brother of the man I love, and as that he is a welcome part of my family.

We arrived on a horrible tragedy. I still am not sure exactly what happened, but when we arrived Sahli found his brother within his wagon, dead. I fear that the Warrior may have taken his own life. This man that dared to cal Sahli names, to demean him, was one who took his own life. I said none of these things. It is not the time, and it is not the place. My anger is because even in his death he has hurt one I care for so deeply.

Now, all I can do is let him know he is not alone. I can only be here for him. I can listen. I can talk, and I can encourage him to continue to live. I can help with the pyre arrangements, and I can help him just try to remember that each day dawns new for those of us still here. I have not lost a brother, but I have lost recently. The lesson of each day is a new day, and that each day is not to be wasted has been driven painfully home to me. Death, it seems to have become a constant companion. Life is always harsh and uncertain, but this is not the usual. I hope that it will be some time before the next one takes to the Skies. We need to time to live. We need time to be alive. I need to remind him that though loss hurts we need to embrace our own lives all the more.

Is this

what it feels like? How do you know it is love? I have never felt this way before about anyone. He is the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of at night. I look for him as I go about my day, and just seeing him in passing makes me smile for ahns. He is someone I can talk to about anything, and he is someone I can talk to about nothing. We have talked about family, the Tribe, our own dreams and hopes, and so many other things. We have sat in silence, and just been happy to be together. We have shared our fears, we have shared our hopes. I dould listen to him talk for days. I do not think I would get bored with it. He is such a complex man with so many sides to himself. There is a deep pool within him, an untouched stillness on the surface that gives way to churning currents that someone who does not look close enough would miss. He is funny, he is serious, he is strong, he is gentle, he is so many things all rolled into one. I just want to spend eternity figuring out each piece of this engima that is the man that I love.

Yes, this is what it feels like. It can't be anything else. I never thought I would know this feeling. I never hoped for it. I never looked for it. It just found me. Thank the Skies, he found me.