Sometimes,

love hurts so bad.

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We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. ~ Unknown

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The day started so wonderfully. Sahli as rested, and he seemed far more himself than he had in quite a while. He even took me to see the wagon. It is almost half done. It is going to be a fine wagon, and it will be plenty large enough for the family that we will have together. It was like watching a dream forming right before my eyes. Why is it that the good moments can not go on forever, or even a bit longer? This moment of joy was simply not to last. It was not to linger to be savored and enjoyed. It was a fleeting glimpse of happiness before the torments began again. No, my mate does not abuse or torment me. He is tormented. He is the one tortured so deeply by things that can not be seen or heard by any but himself.

He is not crazy. Not my Sahli. No, he is simply both gifted and cursed with things that go far beyond my understanding. In these times all I can do is try to ground him. All I can do is try to remind him that he his loved, and that he is not lone. It sometimes feels like I have to shout louder than the voices that he hears in order for him to hear, and even then he does not always believe what it is I say. Today was one of those days. Today was one of those horrible, horrible days that leave me feeling frightened and alone.

I can not share my tears with anyone. They are a private thing that I keep to myself. The fights that might happen between my mate and I are not for the gossip of the fires. What happens between a man and his woman should never be the fuel for the rumor mill. I refuse to make Sahli whispered about more than he already is. I stayed in the wagon, and I worked on a few things. I could not stop crying, though. Sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like I will tear apart and shatter into a million pieces. I wonder, would those pieces grow wings? Would the pieces grow wings to join the butterflies that he claims I rule over? Can the pain fly away on butterfly wings of such vibrant colors to drift away from us forever?

Oh, but I wish it were so simple.

Everyone Needs That Moment

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

Fonce came walking past the wagon earlier, and the man looked like he had been laying under the herd when it was on the move. Seriously, I have seen Fonce look bad before but this was different. I called out to him, and I invited him for some of the stew. Sahli and I had already eaten, and there was more than enough left for him to have his share. He accepted, and for that I was glad. Even Fonce sometimes needs to know that he matters to his friends. He does matter. I know that he is very dear to Cana, and I know that I will always be grateful to him for the care he gave when he was my Guardian.

We spoke of Sahli, and of what had gone on the night before. It was the first time Fonce had seen Sahli like that, and truth it was the first time I had seen it quite that bad for my Mate. I spoke to him on what I knew, and shared with him that most of the time I can tell when the change happens in my Mate. Fonce said he would be coming by more. Maybe Sahli having friends, real friends, would help ground him. I have to agree. I know my Mate loves me, but I also know that there are just times when men need other men to speak with. Its like when I need other women. Either way, I also reminded Foce that I have an ear if he wishes to talk. Something drove him into the condition he is in, and I am most willing to listen.

That is what freinds do, and everyone needs that moment to remember - they are important.

We have decided

not to wait. Things might not be perfect, but when is life perfect? If we waited for the perfect time we would never have a family. He will begin the larger wagon immediately.

There are many reasons that we chose to wait before we began a family. It is not for a lack of love. If there is anything that e do not lack, it is that. We were young when he claimed me. Both of us still had a great deal of growing and learning to do. We wanted to give ourselves time to grow together so that our child would come into the world as part of a strong family.

Even though I am not with child yet, there is much to do to be ready for the child. There is the bigger wagon that Sahli insists we need. There are things the babe needs. Blankets, a place to sleep. All of these things we can start preparing for now. I know that I will be giving Sahli a son. I just know it. I cannot wait until he holds his child, son or daughter, in his arms. I can not wait until the day that our family grows. Even if our family has always been slightly larger than most would imagine anyway, this time - this time that growth will be different.

[More to come]

Hold On Tight

becuase I am not letting go that easily. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. I spoke to him of the vision from that night of the fire flies. The vision of our future, our child, our family. It is that vision I hold on to when things get hard. Things do get hard.

I do not regret being his mate. It has brought me far more joy than sorrow, but it has had its moments where it would be far easier to walk away than stand beside him. My Mate hears the winds. He bridges the gap between spirit world and this world. Sometimes being that bridge is hard on him, and it can be just as hard on me.

It can make him doubt himself, his sanity, his grip on today's world. The grip on the here and now. It makes him uncertain, and it always makes him try to pull away from me. I have to fight the hardest then to make him see I am not going anywhere. I am not like those others who claimed to care for him only to hurt and abandon him. I am not those who he cared for that he lost to their inability to understand him. I am me. I am Jaella. I am not going anywhere unless it is because I have drawn my last breath.

I know our future is going to be a good one. It is not going to be an easy one. It is going to have its challenges, its hardships, its fears, its worries, its hurts, its joys and its sorrows. It will be a LIFE - and life is not always one of joy. I am not going to give up on him, or that future, that vision - just because he is different. I would not be with him if he were not different! It is the things about him that I love that make him stand apart. Loving is accepting. I accepted those things about him when he found his way in my heart. He is just going to have to eventually understand that - he is in there. He's not going to be thrown out, and I am not going to abandon him to the loneliness of having only the Winds and Spirits for company.

I will hold tight to that vision. Ru' was right. That man owes me some babies.

Sometimes,

it feels like I am coming undone. Like I am shattering inside. It it is not the fault of any one person or thing. I just sometimes feel as if the glass will shatter into a million pieces, and worse there are few who would know or care. That is my fault. I tend to be the quiet sort until I know someone. That makes people feel I do not want friends, or do not want to know them. That is not the truth. I just prefer to watch, observe and learn people before I step out and put myself out there.

Things build up inside of me because of that. I can speak with Sahli, and to a lesser degree I can speak with Fonce. I used to be able to talk to T'zuri, but she is gone from us. I used to speak with Aiyanna, but she is gone. I do not even know what happened to Sakmeta, and I dare not ask. So many faces gone. So many friends gone. I often feel older than I really am.

Then there are the times when Sahli is not Sahli but he is Sahli. I have to learn to adjust, and I have to learn to just - adapt. I love him, and I am not going to let this destroy what we have built together. I will not allow it to rip us apart, but there are times when it could if we let it. I do not think he really understands just how important he is to me. I don't think he understands because I have no words to put it into for him. It simply is this powerful force of nature that flows through me for him. There are no words for it. It is something that just is.

I can not allow myself to shatter when the temptation to is there. He needs me to hold things together. He relies on me. I have to be there for him, and if I let myself rip into these peices I won't be able to be what he needs me to be for him. We fought today. It hurt. It tore at me more than I could ever say, but fights are also part of being Mates. Our fights will never become the gossip of the fires, we keep our private matters private. That is how it should be between Mates. Our business is our own, or that of those few we have chosen to trust with those private matters.

Either way, the shards are sharp. I fear if I were to shatter - those shards would radiate out. They would slice into more than just me.

Special Boots

Asria asked me to make her daughter boots, and I have gotten them finished. I have also been working on things for Seveya. The boots are very pretty little boots, but I also made them with comfort in mind for small feet. The boots also have a bit of growing room for Lei, so that her little feet will not get pinched by them too soon.

The boots have tooled in swirls and flowers. They also have little decorations that Lei can change as the mood stikes her. One a tassle of beads, and the other is two feathers. I think she will like being able to change the boots as her mood dictates. She strikes me as a girl very sure of her own mind, and this gives her a bit of control over her own boots.

I will hunt down little Lei, and I will present to her the boots I made for her. This is something I hope that she will like. I got a good feel for the girl, but sometimes even I am wrong. Only time will tell. I think her mother could use a new set of boots, too, but I will talk to Asria about that myself. For now I need to add the finishing touches to Seveya's outfit and boots.

Two Are

becoming one. Ru' spoke to me the other day. He is worried for Sahli, and he is worried for himself. I am worried, too. Ru' says that he fears they have been together too long. He fears they might never be able to fully be separated now. I don't know if that is true or not. I do know that I can tell Sahli is more tense than I have ever seen him. I am sure Ru' has shared this with him, but I don't think Ru' has told him that I know. I wonder if my Mate fears that I will leave him if this...this merging happens.

I know that my Mate has changed. In some ways for the best, and in other ways not so good. His temper has become shorter. No, he has not threatened nor hurt me. He never would do that. I have complete faith in that. He is also more confident, more sure of himself. That is not a bad change. I will simply adjust to the changes. I do not have any choice. I love my mate.

When I say I love my mate, I don't mean that in the light hearted way the word is used by so many. I mean that my Mate truly is the other half of my heart, my soul. He literally completes me. He is the dreamer when I am too grounded. He is the imagination to my often too practical side. He is the strength when I feel weak. He is all the best things in my life wrapped and rolled into one being. If that being is changing, there is nothing but to do in order to adjust.

I do think we need to speak with each other, share what we truly know. We need to be together on this. There is nothing to be gained from not speaking to one another during what ever is to happen. Maybe we can think of other ways to help, other things to do. I only know one thing for certain. I will not loose the love I have found in my life. It is too rare a treasure. This whole experience has changed us both. It will change us further. We will simply face it like we have every other thing that has happened in our time together. We will face it together. There is nothing that can separate us if we do that. Hand in hand, side by side, face it dead on together. That is the way of how it works.

He is worth fighting for. We are worth fighting for.

I miss T'zuri

I really do miss her. I miss her more than words can say. I have other friends, and I have those who are coming to be friends. It is different. None of us are the same, and so none of them are like T'zuri, and my friendship with them is completely different, too.

I wish I could have her here to talk to. I would tell her about Ru', about the things going on, about the time with the Kassar. I would tell her the things I have kept inside from all but Sahli. I can't even share these things with Fonce. He is not a woman, and he just would not understand. I feel alone. I lost my best friend, and it is an ache that will not just vanish. Life goes on, but it does not mean that we don't miss the past that is gone.

I wonder where she is. I wonder if she is happy. I wonder if it was worth all that she left behind to make her new life. She was not taken by the Kassar. She was not or I would have found her. I find myself wondering where she is. Sometimes I get angry that she is not here. I feel if she cared she would still be here. I don't share this anger with anyone. I don't know who to talk to about it. Who do I burden with my own darkness? I just know - it hurts. We were closer than sisters. Or, I thought we were.

Storms

might be rising.

I spoke with the old Spirit that shares Sahli's body. It is odd to speak with him, the voice is my Mate's but it is not my Mate. Anyone who knew Sahli well would know the change in him. The Spirit is very different in so many ways, and yet they are growing more similar as time passed.

He fears he has been with Sahli too long. He fears that they are becoming more and more alike, more like one being instead of two. I am frightened for my Mate, and I even worry for this old Spirit who has been a member of our family for so long. Its odd, but its true - he has been. I know his plight, and I feel for it. We will help him. We will help them, but I don't know what to do in order to do it.

Ru' spoke of Sahli's thoughts. He warned me of the violence of those thoughts that are going through my Mate's mind toward the Kassar that took me. Sahli is a Tuchuk. The fact that his thoughts have turned to revenge does not surprise me. The fact that he might act on them is what worries me. Sahli, the old Sahli, would have thought about it but reason would have won in the end. I am not sure about now. I do know that it would be a mistake. His revenge would lead him on a quest that could take our whole tribe into a war. I think its time I speak to Sahli and tell him the whole of the story. I need him to know that yes, I was taken, but he needs to remember I was not harmed. Maybe that will help? I can only hope.

We are

wild flowers. We grow in beauty in conditions that many others would find impossible. In fact, we thrive in these conditions. We are Tuchuk women. We are not those flowers that grow in the Dweller gardens which must be so carefully tended less they die. We can put down our roots to grow strong anywhere.

I was talking to Mezoo and Cana. It was just talking among women, but sometimes it is good to speak among women. We talked about the joys and sorrows of being a woman. Cana spoke of the pain of having outlived two Mates. It is a pain any one of us face. Life is dangerous, and our Warriors are certainly not going to back down from those dangers, either. It is not in their nature. If they do not survive confronting the dangers of life it falls upon us, the women, to go on.

Cana is hurting right now. Apparently her Mate has been missing for quite a while. I only hope that he finds his way home the way Sahli and I found our way back to each other. The only real thing I can do to be of help is be there. Help her with the children, listen, and be a friend. That is what we do. We help each other. That is part of being Tribe, and it is part of being friends. I did realize that yes, we are women. In many ways we are now here near as strong as the men of our people. I also realize that we are far stronger than they might think. We are women. We are Tuchuk. We are beautiful and we are strong.

One day

we will be blessed. I know in my heart that day will come. I saw the child so long ago when we watched the fireflies. A happy, brown eyed boy with a smile like his father's and a bounce in his step. I know Sahli worries over what kind of father he will be. I imagine every man worries over that. It is a big responsibility to shape the future of our Tribe, and I know I worry about the mother I would be sometimes. I do know that I want his child. I want to see our family grow in expression of our love for each other, for our tribe and for our world.

We mated young. I do think it was the right idea to not have children right away. There was, and still is, much we had to get in order before we took on the task of rearing children. Sahli wanted to be sure we could provide for any children we have. That is wise of him, and I agree fully. I just sometimes see the other women, or hear of the ones that are expecting. I feel a pang of jealousy. I do want a child in my arms one day. I want to see my Mate holding his child in his hands, and I want him to know that this life was created by the love we share. I am selfish, I suppose. He wants to wait, so we will wait. I would never defy him on something so important. I just sometimes don't want to wait. I don't want to keep holding off for a better time. I worry that time will never come, but I also know he knows how much I want a family with him. Our wagon will ring with the laughter of children, or even their cries, in the proper time. That is the hard part, though. Waiting for the proper time.

One day, though, I will be walking through the wagon rows hand in hand with our son. Maybe even our daughter or our sons and daughters. He will be a good father. His children will know they are loved, and they will know the stories of our People. They will grow heads high, backs straight, proud of their People. I know that without any doubt in my mind. He might doubt, but I would imagine all men have doubts. I don't. I have always, and still do, believe in him. I will be patient, and I will just content myself with holding the children of our Tribe mates, and loving them. That is important, too.

Remembering

when I first saw him always makes me smile. We were sitting at the fire last night. The Ubar, Mezoo, Cana, a few others came and left. We were talking about memories, and I mentioned that even today I could still remember the very first time I saw Sahli. Mezoo wanted to hear the story, so I told it.

It really was not this dramatic moment. It was a quiet one, but one that I remember now. When my eyes first fell on the very tall, quiet Drummer I had no idea I was looking at my future mate. Not then, at least. In fact, we did not even talk to one another that time. There were so many at the fires, and so much going on, that he and I exchanged a Tal - but that was all.

I remember being struck by how tall he was. Sahli is a great deal taller than me. I also remember being struck by his smile. His smile is a wonderful thing. It shows this side of him that is warm and good. He is no less fierce than any Tuchuk man. He shows it differently, but anyone who made the mistake of thinking that ferocity was not there would son regret that mistake. His smile is warm though. It lights his whole being. I remember being struck by that smile.

I was much more shy then. I was less comfortable with people. Sahli is much the same way. He and I are both content to be quiet watchers of the world around us. That means it took us quite a while to talk to one another, but it was comfortable when we did. I don't think either of us realized that we had seen our future that night. I do think we both realized that there was something special about the other.

Now, the first day we spoke - that, is aother story.

Among Women

It is nice to have time with other women. Oh, I adore my mate. I adore ever ihn I have to spend with him, but there are just things he will never understand. He is a man, and he just can't think like a woman. I am a woman, and I can not think like a man.

Tonight I met the woman called Mezoo. She seems a nice enough young woman, and I look forward to getting to know her better. I also shared a meal with her, and with Tarra. It was not a long visit, but it was a pleasant one. Sometimes it is not the length of the visit that matters, just that it happened. Life can get so busy that we forget to take the time to remain connected with those of our tribe. It is good to spend time, even a few ehn, reconnecting. I need it quite a bit right now. I need to feel a part of the people that I had been away from for so very long.

I had the chance to ride the mare I traded Cana for. I have to say I think I got the better end of that trade. The stallion I traded is a fine beast, and magnificent. I won't deny that, but he was not the mount for me. I wanted to make sure that he would be cared for even if he did throw me twice. He got me home to my mate and tribe safely, and for that I owe that stallion. Cana will care for him. I ended up with a mount that is meant for me. In all, I still think its the better part of the trade.

Everything is Fine

As long as we are together.

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Sahli and I spent the evening together. We began at the fires, but it seemed a quiet night. We talked and laughed, and it was good for us. Our evening went on to a ride, and the new kaiila that I traded Cana for is as fast as the wind it seems. She is a good mount.

Sahli and I raced over the open plains. The sounds of our laughter filtered along carried by the winds. He played a trick on me, but it is all right. We needed the time together to laugh and enjoy one another without the pressures of life.

I know that the days ahead of us won't be easy. We have yet more challenges to meet on our path together, but we can face them together. We have both changed in the time we spent apart. We have both grown stronger, more resolute, and of course we have grown older. We are no longer the young innocents we once were, but we are together. We grow stronger together. I don't know what our future holds, but I know that everything is and will be fine so long as we face it together as we have the past.

Time For Friends?

Friends are rare treasures given by the Skies. When a the chance for a new one comes along we should embrace it. I think there is a chance for a new one.

~~~~~~

I met a lovely woman today. She has two wonderful children. One is a very bright young girl named Lei. This one will grow into a fine woman. I can already see it in her. She is smart, she is determined, she has a good heart in her, too. The boy child is very young, and he slept most of the time. He is a good looking boy child, and I am sure he will grow into a fine Warrior in his own right. It is obvious that both children have a mother who loves them very much. That is important. How can a child grow strong as they need to if they don't know that they are loved.

The woman's name was Asria. She is a widow, and I can only imagine how hard that must be. She and I spoke for a while while her daughter spoke with Fonce. It was good to meet another woman, and I look forward to spending more time with her. I invited her to the wagons of my Mate and myself for a meal some time. I think it will do her good to enjoy the company of others, and for her children to know that not only does their mother love them. The whole tribe does. Chidren are a treasure of their parents, but they are also the treasure of the whole Tribe. Our tomorrows are in them. We should all help one aother when it comes to them.

Back to Asria. She struck me as a bit lonely, but I imagine she misses her Mate terribly. I know I would be horribly lonley if anything happened to Sahli. We have been apart before, and it felt like only half of myself was even there. This woman has an easy smile, and she has a clearly caring heart. She is a good woman, and maybe we can help each other be less lonely. I miss having a close female friend. Oh, Sahli is a good friend and I confide in him all the time. He is not a woman, though. As wonderful as Sahli is, he just doesn't see things the way women do. I would be very worried if he did.

Broken

There is little in this world that hurts me so much as seeing someone I care for in pain with there being nothing I can do to fix it. That is a pain without measure. ~ Me

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There is a special bond between Fonce and I. I won't say its a bond he shares with no others of the Camp, I just mean that it is special to me. He and I are friends. He is a confidant, and he has been a mentor to me. That started when he was my Guardian before Sahli claimed me, and it has remained. I feel truly lucky that Sahli is not at all threatened by that bond. He does not get jealous of it. He simply allows it, and is glad of it. My Mate is such a good man, and his trust is something I do cherish. He knows neither I nor Fonce would betray him. He also knows that my feelings for Fonce are those of family, not desire.

Fonce is hurting. The mystery of T'zuri haunts him, and he had hoped that I would have answers for him. It hurt that I had none. It hurt because she was my closest friend, and it hurt because he is the other of my closest friends. There is a special pain when someone you care for hurts and you are helpless to make it better. It feels a lot like a failure, even when you know that it is not your fault. I would have given anything to be able to give Fonce the peace of his answers. Not just for him, either. I would have given almost anything to know those answers for peace for all of us. I do not like failing my friends, but this mystery is one I don't think will ever be solved. It is as if she has simply evaporated into the winds never to return to us. Maybe that is best. I will just have to move on, and I will have to hope that he moves on to find happiness as well. The man deserves happiness in his life.

Where I Was

... without darkness
Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers.
- May Sarton

~~~~~~~~

Those who are close to me have been very careful to avoid bringing it up. Maybe they can tell that I am not ready to talk about it yet. I'm not, and the only I have really spoken to about it has been Sahli. He is my Mate, and he has every right to know what happened to keep me away from him. Fonce also knows a little bit. Maybe one day I will be ready to tell others, but maybe not. Not all stories are meant to be told. Some stories are fine to keep close to ourselves, and within our hearts. This one might be such.

We had gone for a few days, and the reason is not really important now. While we were gone the Kassar came upon our camp. I don't remember how, I just remember waking chained in a wagon. I remember being afraid, angry, and so many other things all at once. They were Kassar! Anyway, I fully expected them to attempt to enslave me, and I fully expected to end up dead because that was not going to happen while I had a Mate waiting for my return! That is not what happened. I was not harmed, but I was not treated like a guest either. They did not seem to know what to make of me since I looked like their Ubara. Not just a vauge resemblance. I look enough like this woman that I think even Sahli would have trouble telling us apart.

I won't lie. I used that to get away from them when they lowered their guard a bit. I pretended to be her. I wore my hair in her manner, and I wore one of her dresses to walk to the kaiila pens. It was there I took the beast that I traded to Canna for my new kaiila Dancer. He was a nasty tempered thing, but he was fast! We made it to the Wagons in amazing time even with him throwing me twice. I have to say that I do fear heading out beyond the wagons by myself. I expect them to be waiting to take me back. I know that Sahli won't let them. I know that Fonce won't either. It doesn't make the worry go away.

Like a Feather In the Wind

I watched a feather dancing about on the wind. I watched how it was tossed about by the currents of the air, and yet it seemed so free. It seemed to dance almost with joy as it darted here and there. It got me to thinking that in many ways we are much like that feather. We are free, and we can chart our course, but there are currents that will influence those decisions. The currents of life that will flow and ebb, and sometimes they seem to push us along and other times they do seem to actually just nudge us and offer passage.

I have just returned from my time away, and the changes I have encountered are many. There is a new Ubar. There are new names and faces to remember. There have been claimings and birth. Life has gone on in my abscense, and that is comforting. No matter what happens the Tribe moves forward. It is influenced by the flows of life, and yet it charts its own course that is best for it. The thought brought a smile to my face. The smile was not that long lived though. There was one change I had so desperately hoped for that did not happen. He is still here. I had hoped that would change, but it was not to be.

I will find a way to rid our lives of him no matter what it takes. Our promise will be delivered. I think that I will speak to Sahli about talking to Fonce on this. Fonce already knows what is going on, and he might have insight on how to resolve this issue once and for all. I know we can not do this alone, but we have to do it. I am so very tired of his meddling in our lives. I want Sahli and I to have our OWN life. I want to have a family with my mate, I want to build a future with him. I want things that will never be so long as he does not leave us alone.

Reunion

What was meant to be will always be. I believe that now. I had fears when I walked out to make my presence known to Sahli. We had been apart for too long, and he might well have moved on. I was afraid that he had, or that he would be angry. I was terrified, but at the same time I could not stay away. Its Sahli, and it is not an exageration to say the man completes me. I was afraid he would turn me away without a word, but he didn't. He embraced me and welcomed me home, and back to his side. It is good to be where I belong. With my people, and with my Mate.

Just as I was beginning

to trust him everything changed. I was beginning to trust Ru's promises that once things were fixed for those trapped that he would leave us in peace. That has all changed. I don't believe him any more. I don't even know if I believe he wants them freed. If he did he wouldn't have hurt Sahli. He would not have put everything that we have done so far to try and help at risk with his childish tantrums. I don't know what to believe any more.

Part of me says that if he really wished to hurt Sahli or me he would. The other part thinks he is playing a game with us like a child plays with a toy tugged on a string. I don't know what to think, and I surely don't know what to believe any longer. I know I grow more frightened. I grow more frightened that I will never have my Mate back. I grow more frightened that I will never have a life with him. I grow more frightened that the dreams of a family, and of the happiness that should be ours will never come true. It will have been stolen by the bitterness of a man that ceased to live a long time ago. It hurts. I control my weeping when Sahli is around. I control it when Ru is around. I don't want to cause Sahli hurt, and I don't want to give Ru the delight he seems to find in that hurt.

I would never step away from Sahli. Not even with all of this that is going on. I love him with all my heart. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on to hope. Each day, a bit more of it dies inside. Each day a bit more of the spark of a dream for a better tomorrow dims. I can't let that happen. I can't let this take that away.