Sometimes,

it feels like I am coming undone. Like I am shattering inside. It it is not the fault of any one person or thing. I just sometimes feel as if the glass will shatter into a million pieces, and worse there are few who would know or care. That is my fault. I tend to be the quiet sort until I know someone. That makes people feel I do not want friends, or do not want to know them. That is not the truth. I just prefer to watch, observe and learn people before I step out and put myself out there.

Things build up inside of me because of that. I can speak with Sahli, and to a lesser degree I can speak with Fonce. I used to be able to talk to T'zuri, but she is gone from us. I used to speak with Aiyanna, but she is gone. I do not even know what happened to Sakmeta, and I dare not ask. So many faces gone. So many friends gone. I often feel older than I really am.

Then there are the times when Sahli is not Sahli but he is Sahli. I have to learn to adjust, and I have to learn to just - adapt. I love him, and I am not going to let this destroy what we have built together. I will not allow it to rip us apart, but there are times when it could if we let it. I do not think he really understands just how important he is to me. I don't think he understands because I have no words to put it into for him. It simply is this powerful force of nature that flows through me for him. There are no words for it. It is something that just is.

I can not allow myself to shatter when the temptation to is there. He needs me to hold things together. He relies on me. I have to be there for him, and if I let myself rip into these peices I won't be able to be what he needs me to be for him. We fought today. It hurt. It tore at me more than I could ever say, but fights are also part of being Mates. Our fights will never become the gossip of the fires, we keep our private matters private. That is how it should be between Mates. Our business is our own, or that of those few we have chosen to trust with those private matters.

Either way, the shards are sharp. I fear if I were to shatter - those shards would radiate out. They would slice into more than just me.