Just as I was beginning

to trust him everything changed. I was beginning to trust Ru's promises that once things were fixed for those trapped that he would leave us in peace. That has all changed. I don't believe him any more. I don't even know if I believe he wants them freed. If he did he wouldn't have hurt Sahli. He would not have put everything that we have done so far to try and help at risk with his childish tantrums. I don't know what to believe any more.

Part of me says that if he really wished to hurt Sahli or me he would. The other part thinks he is playing a game with us like a child plays with a toy tugged on a string. I don't know what to think, and I surely don't know what to believe any longer. I know I grow more frightened. I grow more frightened that I will never have my Mate back. I grow more frightened that I will never have a life with him. I grow more frightened that the dreams of a family, and of the happiness that should be ours will never come true. It will have been stolen by the bitterness of a man that ceased to live a long time ago. It hurts. I control my weeping when Sahli is around. I control it when Ru is around. I don't want to cause Sahli hurt, and I don't want to give Ru the delight he seems to find in that hurt.

I would never step away from Sahli. Not even with all of this that is going on. I love him with all my heart. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on to hope. Each day, a bit more of it dies inside. Each day a bit more of the spark of a dream for a better tomorrow dims. I can't let that happen. I can't let this take that away.

Enough...

is enough.

Spring Comes

With spring comes the migration. It is such a busy, busy time for the tribe. It is time to make sure food for the trip is ready, the wagons are in good repair, the herds are gathered to go, and so many other things. Work from dawn till night, and often far past the coming of the sunset. This is the time of year we have come into now. It looms right overhead, and with it another deadline is coming to a close. I don't know how to help the, I don't know what will free them. It is so crazy, because there isn't much we wouldn't do to resolve this.

I want my mate bad. I want our life back. I want to sleep in peace and night. I want to start our family. His family. My family. Now is not the time. We can't now, because..well just because. I love my mate. I hate seeing him so tormented. We have to fix this. Not just four our sakes, either. We need to fix it for their sakes. What went wrong? What brought this curse to us. Sahli has never hurt anyone, and I have not either.

The dreams need to be listened to. I will speak of them to Sahli. Maybe he can help me make sense of them?

We grow stronger

No matter how strong the love is, if you are not willing to work through the rough times it will fall apart. That is something I have seen happen time and again. People seem to fall apart at the seams when things stop being all soft grass and sweet water. Not Sahli and I. Some might think that we are too early into our life together to have faced any truly hard times, but they would not know what they are talking about. Just because Sahli and I do not bring our woes to the attention of all does not mean we have not faced our share of challenges together.

That is the key, really. We face those challenges together. Hand in hand, and square head on we face what comes our way. We pull closer together not further apart. I think that it makes us stronger both as people, and as a couple. I don't think you can truly enjoy the good without the bad. We have our share of joys and sorrows just as any other couple. We also have each other, and for that I feel blessed.

OOC Post

Due to being rather ill real life, I have not kept up on Jaella's blog. I will do my best to get caught up, and to keep up. I am sorry to those that enjoy reading about her wonderful life.

They just go together

and the fit is right.

They've planted a seed

now its time to make it grow. It is the seed of the life they will build together. It was an honor, and a joy, to be present when Polunu claimed Aiyana. It was a private moment between them, but I am glad to have been able to share it in some small way. It brought back to my mind the joy when Sahli's arms closed around me with his claim.

The sead of love is not a seed that can grow without tending though. I'm very sure both of them will tend it so it grows strong and true. I think that Polunu took the Weaver by surprise, but I am very sure she will adjust. I've seen this coming for some time. I wonder if the coming together of Sahli and I was as easy to see?

Spending time Remembering

simple joys together.

We flew the kite we made for me together. It was wonderful. It was special, and it was as amazing as I remembered. That kite and the winds brought us together in a very real way. It was good to revisit something that was both so carefree and so important to us. Things have been hard on us of late. We needed the time to just be us without pressure or prying eyes. It was as wonderful as I remembered. HE is more wonderful than I remembered. He has this way of looking at me that just makes my heart swell to bursting in my chest. Its not a look of passion, but it is a look of love. Its a look that lets me know he loves me as much as I love him. It is that look that lets me know that every rough road we travel will be fine, because we travel it together.

Last night we fly the kite together. We just enjoyed being with each other. It was good. It was so needed. It was a wonderful night.

I'll be there for you

and you are there for me.

"The rain may be falling hard outside,
But your smile makes it all alright.
I'm so glad that you're my friend.
I know our friendship will never end."
-- Robert Alan
~~~~~

Things have been confusing lately. Not only am I newly Mated, but things with that mate have been quite strange. Things have been rough, and they have been hard. I don't know what I would have done without my friend. She was my shoulder to lean on, she listened to me talk, and she simply was there when I didn't want to lean or talk. She just let me know in her way she was there with no strings and no limitations. That is a rare thing, and its something I don't plan to loose with her. I have a couple others I consider friends, but I figure each of them are a treasure that the Skies have given to me. Friendship, true friendship, is rare.

I just hope she remembers this is a two way thing. I am there if she needs me. I am here to listen or lean on, or just to quietly be with her. I will be there for her as much as she has been for me. I love her like the sister I was never given. I have brothers, and I have male cousins, but I was never given a sister. I did find one, though. I found it in her.

What do you

want from us? Why can't you leave us alone? Why must you torment him, and why must you torment me that way? I just want to get back to living our lives together. I want the man that I know as my Mate, and the man that I love so very much. I figure he can't come through all of this unchanged. I haven't come through it unchanged. No, I don't even want to think about it. If this happens again, I am going to Fonce once more. That's all there is to it. I won't go to him to complain about my Mate. I'll go to him to HELP my Mate. I do think there is a difference.

Thank you,

Fonce.

I do not know how he did it, and I probably wouldn't understand anyway. He got Sahli back. Its my Mate in his own skin now. There are no words to express my gratitude. I slept last night. I really slept. Well, I slept today. I might have woken in pain, but I slept for the first time in so very long.

I saw the strength of love yesterday, and I saw its power, too. I saw the many levels of love, and I saw its power. Fonce's love for his tribe led him to help us. Sahli's love for me led him to fight his way back from where ever he had gotten lost. My love for Sahli helped get him up that cliff. T'zuri's love for Sahli and I helped me to get Sahli up on that rope, too. The love of leader, Mates, and friends. I think that might just be what saved the day. I'm sure Fonce did some things only one of his Clan could do, but love - that was the underlaying and driving force. Thank you, though, Fonce. You saved him. You saved me by saving him.

I couldn't have done it

alone.

T'zuri was there. Thank the Skies for her. Had it not been for her help until Fonce could get to me to take the ropes, I don't know if I could have kept getting Sahli further up the cliff like that. How do you know a friend is true? They are there without hesitation or question, every time. That pretty much sums T'zuri up. I feel horrible. She got her hands ripped up by the rope, too. We might be two of the tiniest women in the Tribe, but together we are mighty!

I'm grounded to the wagon until my hands heal and my muscles stop hurting. I don't know what I did, but every muscle in my body hurts now. I'm sure T'zuri's not feeling the best either. Though, Sahli did say she can come visit. Actually, he said any woman, Fonce, and my male kin may visit. Otherwise, he wants me to rest as much as I can. Its Sahli though. We really have Sahli back.

Hang on

I won't drop you.

I finally got him to agree to speak to Fonce. I was right, Fonce was very interested. He even promised to have something to me by the night so that I could sleep without the nightmares that have bothered me. The story came out from Sahli, and yet I noticed he was leaving pieces out. Very important tidbits. Again, this is not how my mate behaves, but I let him tell the tale as he would. I then added my two bits worth. I told Fonce that often Sahli is not himself. He looks and sounds like Sahli, but its not Sahli. Fonce didn't call me crazy. He just nodded and got all thoughtful about things. It was decided we would go to the caves. Sahli would show him the caves. Off we set. It was Fonce, Sahli, myself, T'zuri and Blue. I felt this looming sense of dread the closer I went to that place, but I swallowed it. This was important, and we finally had the sort of help we needed.

Fonce, Sahli, and Blue went down into the tear in the ground while T'zuri and I stayed above by the ropes. Now, I couldn't see or hear what was going on down there. I know that at one point the prettiest yellow butterfly drifted up from the tear in the ground to land on the ropes that T'zuri and I were watching. Then it was eaten by a big, black bird. That bird would become important. It would become very important soon.

I don't know what happened. I heard screaming, and saw them hurry toward the ropes. They began climbing. Then the bird, the black one I mentioned, it started pecking on the one that Sahli was on. When I looked down, Sahli had stopped climbing, and he looked ready to fall. I have no idea where the strength came from, and I know that it hurt my hands pretty bad. I just did what I had to do. I started pulling with everything I had. When it wasn't enough, I dug deep inside and found more until he began to come up the cliff, one hort at a time. I called out to T'zuri, and I know she began to help. I only knew one thing for sure. I had to pull on that rope, and I had to get Sahli up from down there or I would loose him forever. I don't care where the strength came from, I'm just glad it was there when it was needed.

Soon Fonce was there, and he must have pushed me away because he started to pull on the rope. This is good, he was able to do it faster than I was anyway. I began to feed the rope to Blue who kept wrapping it about the post so that if Fonce lost his grip Sahli wouldn't fall further down. If Fonce hadn't made it when he did. No, I won't think about that. I won't let myself. Everyone is fine.

This isn't

my Mate. I don't know how to explain it. This person wears Sahli's skin, but its not Sahli. At first I thought it was just he had found more confidence, but its something else entirely. Sahli is not rough to me. Sahli would not shake me until I agreed with him. Sahli would not do these things that this ..this person inside his skin does. It scares me. I have become even more sure that promise or not promise I must seek Fonce out even if he won't. The nightmares are coming every night, and sometimes during the day when I am awake now. Something is very wrong, and the more I think about it the more wrong it is. I wish I knew how to explain this sense of things. Maybe Fonce, or Tarra - they would understand? I don't know. I know that something has to be done. I feel as if I am slowly loosing my mind, and I have the growing sense if we don't fix this Sahli could be gone forever.

Looking Back

to my time as a prospect.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard

~~~

I have to say that while I was a prospect I often wondered how many people were being nice to my face while spewing venom to my back. Unfortunately, that sort of two faced behavior is painfully common with people. The people of the First Wagons don't stop being human just because they are of the First Wagons. They are still going to have the same foibles and flaws as any other grouping of people. I can honestly say there was really only one person who left me with no shade of doubt in my mind where I stood with him or her. Granted, my footing with that woman wasn't the best in the world but at least I knew it. More importantly, I heard it from her own mouth. I am talking about Kamchak's woman Chay here. No, we didn't get off on the right foot. We might or might not ever get along. That doesn't mean I don't respect the fact that she was plain out with what was going on in her mind. She didn't do the whole smile to my face and stab me in the back sort of thing. She's just pretty much a straight spear. If she ever did say anything bad about me while I wasn't around its not like I didn't hear it from her lips first. You just have to respect that in a person. You have to respect a person that has the gumption, the conviction, and the flat out integrity to do that. Its so much easier to be a snide she-sleen behind someone's back. I don't figure that's her way. If she don't like you, trust me, you will know it very quickly. You won't hear about it from the rumor mill, either. You'll hear it straight from the kaiila's mouth. I haven't seen her around. She is a Hunter after all. Winter's a lean time, and I'm sure her hands are full with making certain that there's enough to go around.

I don't know that she and I will ever recover from that bad footing thing. I also know that I don't have to like everyone that shares the fire with me. I don't even have to love them. It won't stop me from shedding my own blood, if it came to it, to help them out if need be. Like them or not, love them or not, we're all Tuchuk. That means something right there. She had some harsh things to say, and well a few of them were actually helpful. Maybe it wasn't the most gentle and loving way to say 'hey, you are too damn shy and jittery' but it did get the point across. Kind of like a spear gets its point across. Straight to the heart of the matter. I don't know if that's what she intended to do or not. I do know that oddly enough, she was helpful in me starting to come out of my shell. Funny how it works. You can learn the best lessons in the worst of ways. I do hope that she, Kamchak, and their family are doing all right. I like Cana, and Falon. I don't know Lachlan that well, but I've liked him the few times I've met him. Its a good family. Even they don't always get along, but it don't make them any less a family at the end of the day. That's just one more thing that I respect.

Winds and Butterflies

don't always see eye to eye.

You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.

Barbara De Angelis

~~~

This is a fact. The winds and I seem to be having quite the disagreement of late. Since Sahli calls me the Ubara of Butterflies, I suppose that means that the winds and the butterflies are not seeing eye to eye. What are we disagreeing about? Why, Sahli of course. I want him to be happy, and apparently they are dead set on making him miserable. Well, they had better watch out because I don't think they know what they are dealing with. Yes, I'm a runt. Yes, I'm not near so strong as other people out there. I'm not the smartest, the fastest, or even the strongest. I might not even be the bravest. What I am, though, is fed up. I am a Tuchuk, and I have never once backed down from a challenge laid at my feet. I sure as the Skies won't be doing so now. Not when the stakes are this high. I don't have magic. I don't have brute strength. I don't even really have an idea of how to fight this war, but I do have a few things on my side. I have love, I have determination, I have courage, and I have sheer bosk headed will on my side.

I don't care if the winds keep sending me nightmares. I don't care what they do to me, and in fact I would prefer them attack me than him. I had nightmares last night, but Sahli had a night's worth of peaceful rest for once. He needed it. I will suffer more nightmares, more pain, more suffering, more torment if it means that man has some peace. I don't think the winds quite get that. Now, I just have to think of a plan. Normally, I would go seek Fonce's council on this. I can't. I promised Sahli I wouldn't discuss it with Fonce. I will have to think of something else. I do know this much. The harder the winds try to tear me away from him, the harder I will fight to stay at his side. I might be a runty Tuchuk, but by Skies, I'm still a Tuchuk. I had to be -more- stubborn than the next one just to survive.

Maybe I will talk to Fonce. I can't tell him what is bothering Sahli due to my promise, but maybe I can tell him that Sahli just needs someone on his side right now other than me. I know that when all dust settles I'm still just a woman. I know that sometimes men just need the council of other men. Its like when I need to hunt up T'zuri for girl gab session. Well, I'm sure they don't gab about love, and babies and thinks. They do gabbing about manly things. I'm not even sure I want to know all of what t hat would include. Yes, I think I'll seek out Fonce. I'll explain that I can't tell him why because I promised Sahli I wouldn't tell anyone, but that I think Sahli needs a man to talk to. Yes, a good start. Let them winds know Sahli's not alone. Let them know that there's more on his side than just me, too. Take that winds. My army might only be butterflies, but you don't judge an army by its size. You judge it by its determination and motivation. That is where I think this force, what ever it is, has seriously underestimated me. Good. Let it. Makes it easier for me to win this fight. I didn't start it. I will finish it.

You should see her

look at him.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of. ~ Blaise Pascal

~~~

I wonder if I look that much in love when I look at Sahli? When I see T'zuri looking at Fonce its there all over her face. She glows as bright as any star in the sky with it. It makes her even more beautiful than she ever was. Now, don't get me wrong! T'zuri's always been a beautiful woman. That is a fact. I think its why some of the women in camp didn't like her. Women can be petty sometimes. T'zuri's always been beautiful. Its just when she looks at Fonce she is even more beautiful. I don't know how to explain it. I can't even pretend to understand her choice for submission, though I think I understand it a bit better now. I understand that love can make is do things we didn't think we would before. I know that now. I didn't then.

Its okay. I'm actually fine with her decision. Granted, she never needed my permission to make it. Its her life. Its Fonce's life, but I am absolutely fine with the decision now. I needed to know she was happy. I know that. I also saw her looking at him. More, I saw him looking at her. How could anyone resent that sort of strong emotion within two people? What kind of selfish bosk's arse would stand in the way of that? I love her. She's always going to be my friend. Our feet now tred different paths, but in a very real way they are on the same path. Its the path of love. Mine simply led me to be the mate of the man I love. T'zuri's path took a bit of a different curve. So what? Does it make her not T'zuri? No. Does it make Fonce not Fonce? No. It makes them two people who love each other. I think, maybe, two people who needed each other.

If I had any doubts, all it took was me seeing her look at him. Every doubt, every fear, every worry, and every selfish 'how could she do this' died when I saw that expression on her face. Now, I just have to get over there. I have at least a hand's worth of gossip to catch her up on!

She's testing her wings

and learning to fly.

“Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.”

Julias Charles Hare

~~~~

I have spent some time with Leonette. Not as much as I would like to, but some time getting to know her. She seemed so lost at first, and so vulnerable. It seemed as if her emotions ran so raw that she just might shatter in a high wind. Now, I knew that wasn't the case. If it were she would already have shattered with the changes her life has brought to her. Those changes just left her feeling bare, and needing to find a way to put her feet back on the ground firmly. She felt a little lost, and anyone could see that. I have watched her in the past hands go from that shattered seeming person to someone that is, well I guess I would have to say she is in a state of 'becoming'. What? Well, we'll find out in time. Its wonderful to watch though!

Her footing seems more sure. Her smiles more real. Its as if she is pulling things together nicely. I have tried to be there even if its only to share company with her while she goes through this. I know what it can feel like to feel a bit lost and alone. Which of us doesn't if we are honest? Which of us has not had at least one time in our lives where we thought 'what now'? I am sure I will have more such times. When we reach a cross roads in our life, those times come to us. Its only natural. Its not having those times that defines the person. It is how they deal with them when they come that does. She is doing beautifully so far. I look forward to see what she will become from this phase of her life.

Finished Them

pants for Fonce.

Now, I wonder how long it will take him to figure out that I told him he needed new pants to get him to stew over the fact that I thought he needed them? I know he played a trick on Sahli and I, and I know he enjoyed every ihn of it. I don't begrudge him that at all, and looking back on it I even find the whole of it funny. Not then, though. Then I was ready to just absolutely loose my mind. I'm sure I would have had it not been for T'zuri there beside me. See, I like Fonce. He really could use some new pants. Every Tuchuk man could use one more pair of pants. They get torn, they get worn out, they get damaged. Life is hard out here, and no one suffers from too many good pairs of britches to keep them warm in the winter time. That wasn't why I said it, though.

I wanted him to ponder and stew. Yes, I want him to know that someone cares enough to make him those pants for no other reason that well - he's Fonce. I also wanted him to stew on it for at least a few ehn simply for the stewing he put me and Sahli through. Was that mean of me? Maybe a little, but it was sure funny. He actually studied his pants just a bit. It was worth it. Oh, I made him the pants. They are made out of sturdy, but supple, leather. There are ways to tan leather so that it is soft and comfortable. It takes a bit longer, and its a bit more work -but its how I prefer to treat the leather that I'll be making into my own clothes. They probably won't be as comfy as his well broke in pants, but they won't feel like brand new leathers usually do either. Just a simple pair of black leather pants for him. That and the vest I finished. Another simple thing made of plain leather. Why? Because while everyone should have one or two things nice - what we really need is things that we'll use. I haven't seen him wear the first vest I made him, but this one is made of the same supple leather as his pants. Its simple, basic, and plain comfortable.

He might have made Sahli and I stew, but I made him check his backside to see if his leathers were torn. I'm guessing we're even now.

We are all

one tribe. Why do some seem to forget that?

I have stayed away from the fires for several reasons. Not the least of which would be I am newly Mated, and I am spending time with my mate. It might be selfish, but I don't think so. Another reason I have been avoiding the fires is that it grows harder and harder to still my tongue. I have my limits as does everyone, and my limits are rapidly being reached. What is doing it? Well, this whole division thing between 'old and young' - 'new and long standing'. Its absolutely, utterly, and completely infuriating.

I was BORN Tuchuk. I have the right to call myself a Tuchuk Woman by right of birth and survival. None of them -gave- me that right. The only thing I earned recently was my place at the First Wagons. Not a blasted one of them would have had the ability to take the fact I was born to the Tuchk and I will die one away from me. They have been making very pointed, snide and oft times rude comments. I smile, I remain my usual quiet self. It gets hard to do that, though. It is best to put distance there until I am more my even tempered self before I say something in anger I might regret. Its not that I fear angering them, either. I fear no woman, and I never will. I worry that I might say something hurtful to people that I actually care about. Even though they have been going out of their way lately to make me feel like a squished worm. I won't speak out of that hurt or anger. That is not my way.

It will be discussed though. In my way, and in my own time.

I'll face the fury of the winds

and stand strong against them, for you.

Sahli has a gift or a curse. It depends on what day you ask him about it what he will tell you. He hears things on the winds. He can sometimes even know what is going to happen by what those voices tell him. Usually this is fine. I have no problem with it. When you love someone you accept them for who and what they are. This is a part of the man I love. What kind of woman would I be if I mocked him or thought less of him for these things? What kind of friend would I be? That's not the point this time, though.

The winds have been loud with him. They have been so loud he is getting headaches, and it has him distracted. I tried to sit with him, and tis like they tried to rip us apart. I have a message for those winds. I don't care what force on this planet tries to rip us apart, they will fail. I will face every thing the winds try to throw at me, and I will do it at his side. I will fight them, and I will win. Why? Because, what I fight for is worth more than anything else. I fight for one I love. Sahli needs to know he's not alone. He needs to know that he is no longer on the outside looking in. I will certainly fight anyone, anything, anywhere to make sure he knows that without a doubt.

Sometimes its good

just to be held. It is a pleasure I had never thought about. I am not talking sex. That is another matter entirely. I am talking about just sitting there with his arm around me and mine around him. I am talking about just being held. He's not the stoutest of Tuchuk. He's more lean than he is muscled. That doesn't mean he is weak. He is strong like a whip or a band of steel. I feel safe with his arms around me. I feel as if he would face the world, and more, just to keep me there at his side. How can a woman not enjoy that feeling? I only hope I make him as happy, as content, as he makes me. I promised Fonce I would take care of Sahli, but its more than that. Its not my promise to Fonce that has me doing my best to be the woman Sahli deserves. It is Sahli himself. He is just an easy man to love. He is such a wonderful, strong, unique, and caring man. He sees the world differently, and sometimes that makes others unsure what to make of him. Frankly, I don't care what others think of him. He's my mate. He's the Ubar of the domain of my heart. He is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. He will be the father of my children one day. I take care of Sahli in the ways a woman can take care of a man not because I promised anyone I would, but because - I love him with all my heart.

Catch A Falling Star

and put it in my pocket,
Never let it fade away.

~~~

We have been selfish with our time. We are newly mated, and we have spent a good deal of time in our own company. There are many reasons for that, but the largest is simply that we want to spend time together. We want to share the first days of our union with only ourselves, and maybe a few close friends. T'zuri came by, and she brought the most delicious food with her. It was good to visit with her, and there was laughter from all three of us. The visit was far too brief. I'll have to go by and visit her soon so she doesn't worry I fell off the world.

We watched the stars fall tonight. It was a shower of them, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He always shows me new things, and he and I share them together. It is part of his wonder to me. The world always seems new to him, and I love that about him. I see things differently, and its almost like I am seeing with new eyes. I do not know if they are as unclouded as the eyes of a child, but they are surely the eyes of love that I share with him. Tonight I felt as if I could catch one of those stars. I could almost hold it forever.

Like a flower in winter

Joy comes unexpectedly.

~~~~

The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don't have to gain, develop, or attain them. We're like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight. We don't need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds, and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we really are -- as soon as we quit pretending we're small or unholy.

~~~

It came to me today. I am happy. I am gloriously, and wonderfully, and amazingly happy! I have so much that I have been blessed with, but beyond all of that I have a Mate that cares for me as much as I do him. It is unimagined that this joy can exist in the world. I am bless with strong friendships. These the sort that can bridge gaps that might seem uncrossable, but it is this love that I have found in my life that has given me this joy. Nothing can take my joy from me. Joy. Who would have thought that it is just something you need to open your eyes to see. It was t here, in so many ways, but only now do I truly see and experience it. It is like Sahli's love, his ways - they have opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness.

Its the foundation

we build everything else on.

“The glue that holds all relationships together - including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.” ~ Brian Tracy

Its such a tiny word. It is simply said, and yet it holds such a depth of meaning. It is something that is easily given the first time, but if broken it is so hard to give a second. It is something that can make or break any relationship be it between friends, siblings, or lovers. Yes, I am talking about trust here. What do we have without it? We have nothing. There can be no true meaning behind the relationships in our lives if we don't have trust, and strangely enough there is none when we don't give it. This came to me last night when I had to trust Sahli to lead me through the darkness only on trust. Oh, I trusted him! I just realized how hard it would have been to get to where we were going without that trust. Without it, we would have never made it to our destination. We would never have taken the first step on the trip.

Trust is such a little word for such a big thing. It is not just a building block, but it is the true foundation of everything. I want to be a Mate he can trust. I want to be a friend that can be trusted. I want to be a woman of good character that is trustworthy. I want to be these things because I want them in return. I want my Mate to trust me, and I want to trust him. We do trust each other, and I'd like to keep it that way. I want to be a friend that is trusted, and I wan to trust my friends. I want to be a woman who someone can say of to another 'she's trustworthy'. Why? Because I want trust worthy women IN my Tribe. I want to be able to trust and be trusted. Its really simple. In theory. I haven't had my trust violated in any significant ways, ever. When a friend has said they will do something, they have done it. When a family member has said something, I have been able to rely on it. I just realized how much I take this for granted. Its not something I thought of until in the middle of the darkness with only a hand I could not see to guide me.

The Weaver

is as comforting as the blankets she makes. She is just as warm. She is just as pleasant to be around as a blanket on a warm night. She has a calming quality about her that just sings from her soul. She and I had not known each other well. We are both quiet sorts. We had passed at the fires, but that was about it. It took tragedy to bring us closer together. It has taken joy to bring our laughter into harmony. The woman is just pleasant to be around, though. I am very glad that we have taken the time to get to know each other. If there is one thing you cannot have enough of in this life, it is real friends.

Friends

are life's best treasure.

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


I do not think that I can truly say how special my friends are to me. They bring laughter, they share sorrow, they ease pain, and they share joys. They are truly a blessing from the Skies above. Friends just make life better. I think that is something everyone can agree on - that they are grateful for the friends that they have. The outpouring of gifts to both Sahli and I after his claiming of me has been remarkable and unexpected. It shouldn't have been unexpected. Those that have given the gifts are all wonderful people. It just never crossed my mind that they would give such things. Their congratulations would have been enough. That and the sincere hopes for future happiness they sent along. I am glad for the gifts! I am just wondering why it never crossed my mind they would send them. I think it is because my mind has been all fuzzed lately. I think that is excusable.

The one thing I am sure of when I look around the Harigga is that friends are a treasure. They are a treasure that I plan to make sure knows that I treasure them. I don't mean with some huge gesture, either. I plan to listen to them when they need to talk. I plan to help them smile when they feel blue. I plan to help them laugh through their tears. I plan to just be the best friend that I can be in return. That is the way to let them know how deeply they have touched my life. That is the way to let them know they are a treasure beyond compare. That is the best way, at least. Speaking of friends, I need to get by to see T'z..boots. Yes, I need to swing by to see her again. It was good to see her at the fires for a brief time. It is so good to see Fonce happy. He above all deserves it. Maybe I'm just sappy lately, and I want to see everyone happy. That is highly likely.

Change

one can either move with life's chances, or they can drown and be swallowed by them. Change is one of the most frightening things I can think of. It leads to the unknown. You never know where it is going to take you. Change can be good or bad. The only real thing that is always the same about change is that it happens even when you don't want it to. People change, relationships change, the lands change, everything is always changing. Things come together, and things blow apart. The heart of all of this is change. One can either go with the tide of change, and ride it to the new destination, or they can try to fight it. Its almost always another constant about change - those that fight it tend to be flooded over by it anyway. It is just much less pleasant, and far more painful, for their efforts to resist it.

Change is, in itself, neutral. We are the ones that make it good or bad, easy or hard, enjoyable or painful. The changes, itself, are happening simply as a facet of life. The struggles that we as people have with them are with make it so frightening. There have been many changes in my life recently. I cannot remember a time in my life that so much has changed so quickly. I have come to the First Wagons, I have made and lost friends, I have respected and lost respect for people, I have been claimed as the woman of a wonderful man. I have celebrated life, and I have celebrated lives lived by those that are now gone. I have shed tears and laughter. I have changed! I have grown. I am not the same Jaella I was when I first came, and I won't be the same Jaella I am today as time ticks away. Change will come. With it, I will change as well. I will grow. I might not be able to control the forces of change around me, but I can control how I respond to them. I have that power. It is a very strong power, and one that people tend to forget. Yes, things happen we have no control over. That doesn't mean we still do not retain control of our selves. When we blame our actions on others, or on events surrounding us, that is really taking away our own responsibility. It is selling ourselves short. Things change, things happen, but we still decide how we will cope with them. That is our choice. It belongs to no other. Instead of trying to lay the blame or the credit at the feet of another, we should keep it for our own. Our choices, good and bad, are the very core of what shapes us. Our own choices are the catalyst for the changes within all of us. I don't plan to give the power to change me against my will to anyone. That is a power that is mine. It will stay mine, as it should be.

Rebuilding Old Bridges

can teach so much.

There is a place that Sahli showed me. It is a place special to him. It is where once our people would make camp in the winter before something made the water change its course. Changes like that happen on the Plains, and they are rather common. That's really not the point. There is a ravine in the ground, a split that seems to have been ripped open in the dirt itself that goes very deep down. The bridge over that gap fell. Luckily, thank the Skies, not with us ON it when it happened. It started to, but we both made it to the other side. That's another story all together.

This place is special to him, and now to me, so we decided to rebuild a new bridge to it. Its not a huge bridge. You could not take a wagon over it. You can walk it, and do so safely, but that's about it. It wasn't easy, but we worked together to build it. We talked while we worked, and that brought us closer together. I've thought of relationships between people as bridges before, but I've never thought of it so much that way as I do right now. When one bridge seems to shatter and fall apart, it is still possible to build a new one. It won't be the same bridge. It might not be as grand, or as strong as the old one once was. That doesn't mean its not a good bridge. That doesn't make it a bad thing. It just makes it different.

The night for us was one of discovery on many levels. It is a night I will never forget. There were many bridges built besides the one that can be used to cross that gap. There were several more built between he and I. Pathways back and forth between friends, lovers, and Mates. Each facet of our relationship holds its own bridges. I am glad we took the time to build them strong.

We had our first fight as mates

and I think we're closer now than ever.

It was not a major fight, but it was the first one we had. It was something that had Sahli tell me if I ever did again he would put me over his knee. It was the first time I saw that side of him. I can't say I was surprised I saw it. I knew when I made the choice to not listen to him that would likely be the outcome. It is impossible to never see things differently. It is impossible to live lives without such things. I do think it brought us closer together once we worked it out. Why? Because, we got through it. We got around, over, and through the little bump in the road. No path is always smooth. It is those bumps that really tell the tale. I've seen so many tear apart at the bumps in life. We didn't. Its a good start.

Desperation

is sad, not attractive.

I watch people. That much is a fact, and I have always watched them. I also know that we all want someone in our lives. We all want that connection. We all want to not be alone. That is normal, and it is human nature. I think, though, that some handle that want in a way that is only self destructive to them. It is fine to want something. We all do! It is not so fine to want it with such a deep desire for it that it no longer matters 'who' it is with, so long as it is had. It seems that the more that is reached for, the more someone tries to grasp on to it to cling to it, the more it will elude them. I don't understand it. I am far from an expert. I know that special bond came into my life when I was not looking for it, and I did not feel ready for it. It was the last thing on my mind.

I have watched some that are looking for it. They are looking for it with such an obviousness to them that it might as well be written upon their brows. They have flitted and bounced from one possibility to the next, sometimes barely leaving the span of a day between those they try to find it with. It makes me sigh, and I know that talking to them would do no good. It would only embarrass them, and because of that it would make them angry. I have to wonder if I should risk it though? I don't think they understand that they wear this desperation like a cloak for all to see. That very desperation is driving away the one thing that they want. They have reached for it with so many that no one they reach for knows if its really from her heart, or if it is from their desire to not be alone. Would any man do? How does one feel special when they know they are just the latest in a line of such things? I don't know. I do know that it is far from 'attractive'. Its sad. Very, very sad.

He needs

new pants. Yes, our Ubar needs new pants.

Well, not really needs. Pants should be comfortable and well worn. I would say his are! I just realized that he could use a new pair of them. Nothing fancy, something he can ride in without being worried to mess them up. Something sturdy, and durable so that he can do all those things that must be done in a day. Something comfortable, too, of course. I'll make the new pants, and I've finished that second vest. I'll drop everything off together. I could tell he liked the first vest, but he seemed not to want to wear it. That's fine. You learn people by watching them, and I learned a bit about him. I've also made Sahli some new leathers and a new vest. He needed some as well. Tuchuk men, they are hard on their clothes!

Waking up

to a whole new world.

“May today mark the beginning of many new joys and accomplishments... and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already
achieved.”

Today I woke in the arms of my Mate. That was a strange thing. I have never slept with anyone before, and surely never a man. It was strange, but it was wonderful at the same time. Today begins our new lives as Mates. Each step will be made together instead of alone. Is it just me, or does the whole world seem just a bit brighter?

He Made His Choice

the Bride Price asked, and paid. I am now HIS woman.

"Love not looked for is love that shall be found."

~~~

I never expected it, and I never thought I wanted it. I had much more in my mind than adding complications to my life at this stage of it. Love was not something I was even considering in my life right now. The men seemed content to speak to me, but they set their eyes on other women. I was not at all offended by this. I was not hurt by it, and I was not jealous of it. I was happy for those that love found. I still am, though now I am happier for them as I know what it feels like. I held no ill will to anyone. I simply wanted my feet firmly under me as my life goes through so many changes. It still struck me with the force of a rock falling to the earth from the Skies. It exploded like a falling star. It happened, and it happened with the sudden shock of a larl attack. It wasn't there one day, but then it was. Maybe it was there, and I just didn't know it.

Sahli, too, seemed content with how his life was going. He has drawn more than one eye to him. He has never lied to me about those things. I am sure his view of things would be different than those he spoke of, but that is to be expected. He is a man, and men and women see things differently. It doesn't make either side untruthful, it just shows how vastly different men are from women. He and I grew close. We spent time together. It started as no more than friendship. It started as flying kites, making kites, talking about our Clans, talking about the changes within our lives since coming to the First Wagons. It grew from such a simple beginning into more than either of us ever imagined it could

He spoke to Fonce about the Bride Price to claim me. I don't know what was said between them. It was a talk between men, and that is not the business of a woman even when the talk is about her. T'zuri, Sleen, and Blue were there at Fonces wagon. T'zuri did her best to keep me from keeling over right there while I waited for my future to be decided. I don't know what they said, but I know that at one point Sahli had his knife drawn. It didn't look like he was threatening Fonce, which is good. I don't know what was going on. I know that Sahli ran off, but when he returned he was filled with joy. There was mention of a White Bosk having been born, and then next thing I know he is grabbing me, spinning me, and telling me that Fonce agreed to allow him to claim me. That quick, that simple, my life has changed. I love Fonce. I have brothers, but he's like the brother that never did pull my braids, hide my dolls, or do mean things to me. He's the GOOD brother. He was happy for us. I could tell. Our new lives begin today.

Keep Reaching

I won't let you down. I know so many have let you down in your life, but I am not one of them. I will never laugh 'at' you, but I promise I will laugh 'with' you or 'because' you gave the joy that requires such a voice. I promise to never scorn you, or to mock you because you are not exactly the same as everyone else. I promise to accept you, even those things I do not fully understand because they are a part of you. I promise to be there, and to always be your friend and confidant when others have turned their back. I promise to love you. Love is not a fair weather emotion. It does not only exist when there are smiles. It will see us through the hunger, the tears, the pains of life. If you reach for me, I promise you will always find me. I won't let you down.

Sorrow and Loss

can hurt so much.

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love. --John Brantner

~~~

I can't fix it. I can't take the hurt away. There is not a word or thing I can do that will help ease the sorrow that Sahli is feeling right now. Things were bad between his brother and him, they had been bad for a while. He still wished me to be introduced to Beu, and I agreed that I would like to. This is the brother of the man I love, and as that he is a welcome part of my family.

We arrived on a horrible tragedy. I still am not sure exactly what happened, but when we arrived Sahli found his brother within his wagon, dead. I fear that the Warrior may have taken his own life. This man that dared to cal Sahli names, to demean him, was one who took his own life. I said none of these things. It is not the time, and it is not the place. My anger is because even in his death he has hurt one I care for so deeply.

Now, all I can do is let him know he is not alone. I can only be here for him. I can listen. I can talk, and I can encourage him to continue to live. I can help with the pyre arrangements, and I can help him just try to remember that each day dawns new for those of us still here. I have not lost a brother, but I have lost recently. The lesson of each day is a new day, and that each day is not to be wasted has been driven painfully home to me. Death, it seems to have become a constant companion. Life is always harsh and uncertain, but this is not the usual. I hope that it will be some time before the next one takes to the Skies. We need to time to live. We need time to be alive. I need to remind him that though loss hurts we need to embrace our own lives all the more.

Is this

what it feels like? How do you know it is love? I have never felt this way before about anyone. He is the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of at night. I look for him as I go about my day, and just seeing him in passing makes me smile for ahns. He is someone I can talk to about anything, and he is someone I can talk to about nothing. We have talked about family, the Tribe, our own dreams and hopes, and so many other things. We have sat in silence, and just been happy to be together. We have shared our fears, we have shared our hopes. I dould listen to him talk for days. I do not think I would get bored with it. He is such a complex man with so many sides to himself. There is a deep pool within him, an untouched stillness on the surface that gives way to churning currents that someone who does not look close enough would miss. He is funny, he is serious, he is strong, he is gentle, he is so many things all rolled into one. I just want to spend eternity figuring out each piece of this engima that is the man that I love.

Yes, this is what it feels like. It can't be anything else. I never thought I would know this feeling. I never hoped for it. I never looked for it. It just found me. Thank the Skies, he found me.

I guess...

he truly means it. One of the first times we talked he asked what I would say if he kissed me. I told him I would tell him to not kiss me unless he truly meant it. I do not give my heart freely, it has never been given. Once I do give it, I won't be wanting it back. He smiled, he told me he would not kiss me unless he did mean it. I never expected then, that he would kiss me like this. It was wonderful, it was stunning, it was amazing. It was right, and it was going home. I am glad I kept my heart for one man. I am glad that there have been none before, and I pray that there will be none after. I know that this is a moment I will remember forever.

He Showed Me The Way..

back to my friend. I don't know if that was Fonce the Ubar, or Fonce the friend. Either way, I am glad that he gave us the chance to get caught up and to reconnect. I have been lonely, and I have been lost without her. I have felt like I was trapped in a world that had gone dark. It was starting to get bright again, but now the light is so much more with her back in it. He is a good man, our Ubar. He is a good friend. He is a person who will do his all for any one of us, and yet he asks nothing in return. He might not ask it, but I will show him how grateful I am. How? By not being one of the ones that forgets that this man is a man with real feelings, real thoughts, real hurts, real dreams, and real desires. I will always remember that Fonce the Ubar is also Fonce the man. More than my Ubar, more than my Guardian - he is, my friend.

My hands are not

smaller than butterfly hands. He says they are. He says I have fists that are more tiny than those of a butterfly. I am not a large woman. I am toward the small end of average. It is not my fault he is a bit taller than most. I don't mind that, though.

My hands might not be smaller that those of butterflies, but I know that my heart has been given wings. I feel like it lifts up to soar higher than the kite we flew together. I cannot explain it. It came from no where. I was not looking, and he was not looking. This is not what either of us planned, but I am thankful it did happen. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel and see the world around me in ways I have not experienced it in so long. I see through new eyes with him. Is there a better gift a man could give a woman than to renew her entire being? I don't think so.

I Do Dare

to risk it.

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

~~~~

I have to risk it. If I do not risk it, I could miss out on what might be the most wonderful thing of my life. It is not so much that I dare TO risk, but it is that I do not dare not to. There is more to loose than there is to gain by hiding my head in the sand. This happiness, these smiles, this joy is all too precious to dare let slip away. I dare to risk it. I dare to risk my heart.

Some Things Just Naturally Go Together

like her and I!

I have missed T'zuri. Her voice at the fires, her to talk to, her to share my thoughts and feelings with. There are just those people that will always be special to you, no matter what. She is such a person. She has a kind heart, she cares about everyone be they brand new or long time here at the First Wagons. She has a soul that is as bright as any star in the sky. When she stopped coming to the fires it was like a light went out, and a void was left that nothing could fill. That is T'zuri's gift. She is life, she is zest, she is spice.

No, T'zuri did not die. She did something else. She submitted to Fonce, and I had not seen her since then. I missed her, but in a way I was afraid to go see her. Everything had changed, after all. She is a slave now. I am a free woman of the Tribe. There are things we once had in common that we will never have in common again. I did not want to face that, and I did not want to face her. There have been so many changes so quickly. Kaz and Zarina's death so close together, then this, I just could not keep up with it all. I needed time to put everything together in my head before I dealt with things.

Fonce, he helped to bridge the gap. He is a good person, and a good friend. I was blessed the day the Skies introduced us. He has been a quiet, but steady, source of encouragement and guidance in his own way. I should actually 'thank' him for it. That's another matter, though. We talked. T'zuri and I talked for ahns and ahns. Things shared, spilled out from each of us. The flood of so many thoughts held in just could not be stopped. She and I, no matter what path our lives take that bond will always remain strong. She is happy. I love her as a sister. What else matters?

I won't ever be sorry

for being happy!

I'm not sure if it was an argument or not. He thought I had been laughing at him, and that thought seemed to hurt him. I can understand why it would, too. I was not laughing at him. I was laughing because something he said made me happy. Well, I just told him that! I told him he would know if I ever laughed at him. I was laughing because I was happy, and because he had made me happy, and I would not be sorry for it. He seemed to like that answer. Yes, yes he did.

Why do people laugh at or mock those that are different? I'll never understand that. If we were all the same the world would be such a boring place. It is our differences that make us who we are. I like people, but I would not want to be exactly like them. They would no longer be the special person they are. Aiyana would not be as special if every other woman in the Tribe were her. Arigh would not be so special if she saw things like each other person in the Tribe. Cana would just be another face in the crowd if we were all exactly the same. How boring, how dull, and how sad such a world would be. No, I won't be sorry I am happy. I will be sorry that people are so insecure in who they are that they cannot accept someone who is different.

How

can this be? How can it feel as if I have known this man my whole life? How can it feel like he is the piece that has been missing which I never knew was not there? We have only known each ot her such a short time. How can this be after only that? Surely this is just some sort of dream from which I will waken from, because this just cannot truly be real. I don't understand it. I am afraid of it, and yet I cannot make myself pull back from it either. I don't know what is happening between us, but I know that somehow it feels right.

Bridges

take time to build if they are to last.

~~

There is something to be said for taking the time to know a person. We, all of us, tend to only show those bits of ourselves we like when first meeting. I do this. I hold in my own insecurities, my own fears, my own shortcomings. I show the brave face. The smile and the laugh. These are the pieces that I show at first. It is not until knowing someone, truly knowing them, that these other sides are shown. That is why building a friendship takes time. Oh, there are those you instantly connect with! It still takes time to truly know them. It is an absolute impossibility to know all there is about someone the very first time you meet them.

It is possible to feel like you have known someone forever. People which that feeling comes to me with are few and far between. Talking to them is comfortable, it comes easy, and it is like a warm blanket wrapping its way around me on a cold winter's night. T'zuri was like that, as was Zarina. I've felt that Fonce could be such a friend, but we are not there yet. Sahli is such a person. Talking to him is easy. I don't have to be afraid that he is going to laugh at me. We share laughter together, yes, but we don't laugh at each other. This is important. It is a part of building that bridge that is a true friendship. One should never be afraid to be themselves around those that they call friend, or to be who they are with those who might become more than friends with. There is no real anything if it is not built on honesty.

We have talked ahns that have felt only like ehn. We have shared some of our own fears, and our own thoughts on our short comings. These talks are parts of the bridge that we are building. Each talk brings us that much closer together. I have never felt this way about a man before. I have never smiled just at the thought of the man. I have never felt my heart swell when I see him walk near by before. It is strange, it is frightening, but it is wonderful. Yes, I know that he has his own past. He's been honest with me about that. I would rather him be honest with me than for our bridge to be built on lies. Bridges built on lies are doomed to eventually crumble under the weight of those lies. The truth is better. The truth is much better.

Do they enjoy

drawing blood with each poke time and again?

I have noticed that there are those that seem to simply enjoy picking at those that cannot, or will not, pick back. They seem to get a sick, and distasteful to me, joy out of their ability to keep on pricking long after they have drawn blood. I wonder if this is because they get some sense of power from it? What kind of power is that? Oh, I'm impressed! You have the power to be a bully. Awe inspiring. Yes, that was utterly sarcastic. I find it pathetic and rather sad, really. If their own sense of self-worth is slow low, so little, so insignificant that they cannot feel it without making someone else loose their own then that is a truly sad statement about them.

There is such a difference between speaking the truth and harping endlessly. I've seen so much of the latter lately that my stomach is sick with it. Its led me to reassess my thoughts about some people. I have never found strength to be the ability to make someone else feel low. I've found that true strength is in being able to guide while one guided feels their worth at the same time. Its easy to break down. It is in building up that the challenge lays. These are just the thoughts of a silly woman, though. Maybe this is how they get their kicks. Maybe it is how they find their enjoyment in a day. It must be a rather boring day for them to have to stoop to such a simplistic form of entertainment. How sad that this is the only joy they can find in their lives.

This this the thing, though. One day there is going to come a time when these same people are feeling low. They are going to have snipped, picked, and pricked at so many people that there will be no one left to lift them up. They will have alienated those that would have once extended the hand to help them and dust them off. What goes around comes around. When you dish out dirt you have to know that one day, one day you are going to eat it, too.

A gift

Now I have to see if he will let me give it to her. I made it for the one who used to be called T'zuri. Her name is boots now. I haven't seen her since she submitted to Fonce. I wonder if she is happy? He seems happy, and I hope that is a sign that she is equally happy. I can't understand her choice, but I can say I love the woman who was my friend enough that I can accept it. Things are going to change between us. They have to. We are not longer peers or equals. I am a free woman of the Tribe, and she is the slave of Fonce. It has created a gulf, but I am not going to say its one that cannot be bridged. We may never be the friends we used to be, but we will never be enemies. This doll, it will tell her that t he love of a friend is forever. Even when our paths go different directions. I just need to make sure that Fonce doesn't mind if I give it to her.

Do I dare?

Take this chance? Will fear hold me back? I don't know. This is so new, so unexpected, and so amazing that I don't have the words for it. I wish T'zuri were here. I wish I could speak to her about it. I wish we could toss this around, explore it together, and look at it from all sides. I have not missed her this bad in a long time. Yet, I have not felt less alone in a long time either. I don't feel invisible any more. I don't feel unseen. I feel - special. I feel as if someone sees me for who I am. I feel as if my thoughts, my words, my feelings have weight. That is a feeling that could give a heart wings. The question is, do I let my heart take to this fledgling flight knowing that it might crash down to the ground or do I hide my head in the sand for fear of t hat crash? I don't know if there really is a choice. Its like a falling star hurtling toward the ground. It seems to be happening, even when I wasn't so sure I wanted it to.